


Dear John

by MaxRev



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Death, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Loss, Other, Pain, There is no Happy Ending Here, Tissue Warning, loss of a child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 01:12:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16483241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaxRev/pseuds/MaxRev
Summary: Hannah writes a Dear John letter. Only this isn't the usual letter that thought brings to mind.WARNING: There is no happy ending here. If you don’t like angst, don’t read it.Stop here. And if you do? Well, then...Read on.





	Dear John

**Author's Note:**

> Earlier this month was...well, it was really, really painful. My sister lost her oldest son and she’d already been dealt a couple of hard blows in her life as a mother. It made me think of Hannah (and all of us who are parents in any aspect) and how she felt after John Shepard died when the Normandy was attacked. 
> 
> Oh...I also listened to [this ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=207X6DTY4LY) song while writing.

_Dear John_ :

Oh, my beautiful baby boy...

I loved you from the very first day I found out I was carrying you. That love only intensified the day I held your tiny body in my arms, so angry and vocal with your tight little fists waving and legs pumping, _demanding_ that life acknowledge your presence. And, oh, how it did!

I think you went from being snugly swaddled straight to running - never stopping to take a breath in between. From the minute your feet hit the floor, you never stopped. You didn’t even give your poor father and I a chance to breathe! You were so headstrong, always wanting things your way, thinking you had all the answers, always wanting to know _why_   when those answers weren’t to your satisfaction. You questioned every little detail, the wheels in your mind never stopping for one single second.

In all your years growing up and even into adulthood that never changed. Over time, I could look back fondly, exasperatedly, and eventually with a great amount of humor at the broken bones, the scrapes, the daredevil antics you engaged in - the times you managed to charm the crew on the ship to do your bidding.

I had no idea where all of those things would someday lead you.

We went through many a tough stretch between us, especially when your father died, both of us adrift in our own misery. I know it was hard on you and loath as I am to admit it...I was hard on you as well. I just...wanted to be _more_ for you. I was trying to be a soldier, a mother - a father - when all you really needed was just for me to hear you. John, I need you to know, wherever you are, that I _did_ hear you. I hope as you grew older you were able to understand that.

We didn’t always see eye to eye, fought tooth and nail on many occasions, but you never made me more happy than when you sent me the message saying despite all we’d been through over the years - good and bad - I would always and forever by your ‘mommy.’

Those words brought unfathomable joy to a mother’s heart. I wanted to pull you close and hug you but you were so many stars away, commanding your own ship and your own crew. A crew I’ve since learned had come to love you, each in their own ways, almost as much as I did. No surprise there. You were larger than life, son. A star brighter than any other in the galaxy and a beacon for all to see and look towards. No matter how heavy that burden was to bear, you did it with honor and pride. No one can understand more than a mother how heavy it must have been for you to bear it alone.

My child, my beautiful, incredible, inspiring...insatiable baby boy. There is such a...a _hole_ where you once fit so perfectly in my life. A deep, black hole threatening to engulf me. I can’t imagine continuing to live my life without your smile, your cleverness and watching the love you have for those around you. So very good at hiding your feelings, ever the stoic Commander Shepard, I could see right through your defenses as only a mother can.

My love for you, despite the frustration and times you very nearly drove me mad, was beyond comprehension - all encompassing. I loved you with a complete and total abandon no one could possibly fathom. The very qualities that made you unique and caused me every single gray hair on my head are what I miss the most every single second of every single day. My heart is a shattered remnant of what it once was, never to be whole again.

I will miss you, my darling beautiful son, forever. Until we meet again...

Wherever you are, remember I love you. _Always_.

 

_Mom_

 

* * *

 

 _I wrote a Dear John letter_. Struggling to hold back a hysterical laugh at the thought, Hannah slid to the floor, boneless. The warped sound slipped from her lips anyway, a hand slapping over her mouth to trap it inside too late. It was the cataclysmic event to break the damn she'd erected in an effort to hold back her emotions.

Her arms wrapped tightly around her legs and she pulled herself into a ball, rocking back and forth. _No..nonononononono...NO_ , she screamed silently. _Whyyyyyy? WHY would you take him from me? Wasn’t taking his father enough for you? What have I done to deserve this? I’ve been a good daughter, a good wife, a good soldier for my country...a good mother…_

_Give. Him. BACK!_

A flood of tears tracked down her face, curving under her chin to lose themselves inside her thin shirt. It was impossible to contain the volatile emotions in her chest. The hurt...the intense physical pain she felt knowing that her beautiful baby boy - _John_ \- was gone. It was simply more than she could bear. No one could possibly comprehend the horrific pain she was feeling. Surely, no one had ever suffered as she was right now. Their pain meant nothing against the tidal wave crashing over her now. 

Hours later, body cramped from remaining in the same position, Hannah haltingly crawled towards her bed, too exhausted to attempt standing and walking. She pulled herself up by the frame to lay on the mattress. Grabbing John’s hoodie, which he'd given her after completing the training to achieve N7, Hannah curled into a fetal position and hugged it closely. It smelled of him. In the pocket was a photo of him and his dad smiling for the camera right before his father had died, leaving Hannah and an impressionable, headstrong teenage son alone.

Tapping a few buttons on her omni-tool, she brought up a song the three of them had loved and put it on repeat. As the first notes of the song filled her cabin, tears flowed once more.

Closing her eyes in a futile attempt to stem the tide, intense blue eyes sparkling with love and humor rose up in her mind. Another heart wrenching sob was torn from deep inside her.

Life would never be the same again.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for day 1 of N7 month.


End file.
